Reality
by BoxOfTrinkets
Summary: Sam's gone crazy. Freddie isnt real. And Nora's upset with her. But Sam's a fighter, and she figures she'll take it all in stride, insanity be dammned.
1. Installment one

Its frightening, the instant you realize you're crazy.

But, Sam was a fighter, so she figured she would take it all in stride, insanity be damned.

She noticed it slowly at first, people began to disappear and her hallucinations began to get worse. They began to talk to her and she hated them. They weren't real, she didn't think they had any right to talk to her.

But that happened a long time ago. She doesn't think they like her all that much, so they all leave her alone.

She is alone, she suddenly realizes. She's in a room, the same room she's been in all day she thinks. There's shattered glass in the corner and a pile of roughly sheared hair she cut off of Nora on the floor in front of it. The same pieces of paper are still next to her on the bed, covered in water and blood and completely illegible now but she knows what they say.

She scratches her arms. They still itch sometimes even though she's almost positive she got all the skin off them last time. The skin keeps coming back though. It comes back faster if she doesn't take her medicine, but she doesn't have anymore.

A knock sounds at the door of her room. She ignores it. She always ignores it when it decides to knock at her door, its her door, and chances are its just her mind trying to get her to talk to herself again, and she decided when she went insane that she wasn't going to humor her insanity in the hope that it would get bored of her lack of reaction and leave her alone.

Her arms still itch.

"Open the fucking door Sam."

The knocks hadn't started talking until recently, as if they got irritated with her ignoring them because they always jumped to cuss words with her. She didn't blame it, she wasn't exactly nice to her insanity.

"Open the door goddammit."

She glared at the door. She knew exactly which one of her hallucinations was at the door and she wasn't too happy with this one. But she figured if she didn't acknowledge or address it, then it didn't exist, and it seemed to apply to everything else.

The door opened.

If Sam hadn't been completely fucking terrified, she would have given an approving nod to how fucked up and creative her insanity was becoming, for it had suddenly produced a very flustered looking hallucination of Freddie Benson in her doorway.

If anything her insanity was exact, because if the clock on her wall was right, Freddie was late.

Freddie doesn't move for an instant, he seems stunned and for a second Sam almost lets herself wonder why he looks so worried until she remembers he isn't real, and suddenly it doesn't matter.

He seems to catch her change of mood and he rolls his eyes. Her mind doesn't like the Freddie hallucination. He's too pushy, and he seems to think that the fact that he doesn't exist is all her fault.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?" He asks flatly, dropping the paper bag on the bed next to her and sighing. Either she doesn't really remember what Freddie looked like, or her insanity liked to fuck with her even more just to make her think, because Freddie looks older, more haggard and drawn. But she doesn't care. He isn't real, and it's a trick question. She has all her hair. She cut Nora's hair off because Nora doesn't shut up.

She doesn't answer him either way. Even if he would hear her she doesn't care what he thinks, and she hates the way he talks to her. Plus he cant see Nora, and insisting she was there used to make him cry, so she just stopped talking to him.

Freddie seems to remember that she doesn't talk to her and he rolls his eyes again. He leans over her and reaches for her hair. She feels his hands on her head and she blinks. This only happens with the Freddie hallucination. She thinks its because he's always around and she's finally crazy enough to think she can feel him.

Freddie yanks his hand away as though angry and sits next to her, she marvels at how precise her mind is, she can almost feel the bed sink with his weight. He reaches into the paper bag and pulls out a burger. She freezes, but only for an instant before she relaxes. Its always a burger, sometimes its fried chicken, but its never real, but she knew how to handle it now.

Freddie glares at her until she gives him what he wants. She isn't sure what part of her mind wants this because Freddie always wants the same thing. She reaches over and unwraps the burger, taking a small bite as she holds out her left arm for him.

He takes it carefully, his imaginary hands skimming over what left of her arms. His fingers make them itch. She watches his expression, it changes every day. She has tried to figure out the pattern his expressions follow but she's lost track.

Today he's angry. Sometimes he smiles when she hasn't scratched and sometimes he's fighting back tears. Mostly he's angry. He lets out a breath through his teeth that she can almost feel on her face as she takes another bite of her imaginary burger.

He reaches into the bag again, the bag she isn't sure if its real or not but its crinkling like it is so she just takes it at face value and watches him pull out the lotion. She knows for a fact the lotion is real, it hurts like hell when he rubs it on the open skin of her arms.

Its no different today, and she cant help the whimper that escapes when he rubs it on her.

Freddie catches it and he sighs, his anger slipping for a second and he leans forward, pulling her towards him and she can almost feel the warmth from his body and she sends another bravo to her insanity and its good work with Freddie.

He holds her tightly, his breathing warm in her ear.

"Goddammit Sam."

He says the same thing every day, and she still doesn't know what he's asking god to damn for her.

* * *

><p>She waits until he leaves to get up. She isn't panicking anymore. She used to panic the instant he left, the smell of the imaginary burger still in the air and the heaviness in her stomach. But she had learned better by now. And she didn't panic so easily anymore.<p>

She stands. There's a bathroom attached to her room and she likes it in there, though she hates that Nora's always in there staring at her, so she avoids the sink, heading instead for the shower. She loves to shower. She knows the water's real, and for an hour a day, she can pretend that reality didn't completely fuck her over and abandon her.

She stands under the water with a smile, the skin on her arms soothed by the lotion and the heat of the water and she runs her hands through her short hair before kneeling on the floor of the tub, her head towards the drain.

She remembers this from reality, a long time ago and her throat remembers the muscle memory, and the instant she shoves her hand into her mouth she's gagging, and the imaginary burger comes back up, sliding down the drain with water that is carried out of her life and disappears. She doesn't care where it goes, she just cares that it doesn't stay inside of her. She doesn't trust the burgers Hallucination Freddie brings her. He isn't real, the burgers aren't real, and if she pretends to eat them for too long, she wont be real, and that will just be another big mess Sam just doesn't want to deal with.

When the burgers gone she smiles, sitting back in the water and watching it climb over her. She's all real again.

* * *

><p>Freddie shows up like clock work the next day, with another imaginary burger in his hands and the lotion. It doesn't burn the much today and her arms have scabbed over. She hates scabs. They show up out of nowhere and they're real, so when she takes them off they bleed and make a mess.<p>

Today he takes her hands instead of her arms. Her hands have acquired bruises on her knuckles from her teeth. She knows they look bad, but it's a necessary precaution. If she keeps the burger down and it turns out it was real, but she tries to get rid of it and nothing comes up, then she might just lose it. Better safe than sorry.

Freddie's eyes narrow when he turns over her hands. She thinks he knows what's happening to the burger every day, he's even addressed it once or twice, but it doesn't matter to her one way or the other.

He's not angry today, she thanks her mind for imagining him that way today. He's sad instead, and she can understand that. She's always sad now a days.

His eyes glaze over to resemble tears and he drops her hands. He doesn't offer her the burger today and she's glad. Her throat is beginning to hurt.

Instead he holds her tightly, wrapping his non existent arms around her and Sam can see Nora glaring at her from the bathroom. Nora loves Freddie. She tried to tell Nora she could have this pale imitation of the boy she once thought was real, but Nora's just a bitch, so Sam had to cut her hair off and punched her in the face in her room. Nora doesn't go into her room anymore, but she still stares from the bathroom. Sometimes she leaves the sink, but that's only for special occasions.

She lets Freddie hold her.

"I'm not going to be here for a few days." she thinks she hears him say. She isn't sure, she might have just thought the words.

She nods just in case, if she ignores it when she thinks she didn't hear the words Hallucination Freddie gets upset. And its hard to watch sometimes.

* * *

><p>As it turns out she didn't imagine it, and her mind doesn't produce a Freddie for her to interact with the next day.<p>

The burger however, remained. And sat on her bed. And sat. Sam reasoned that if she didn't see it or smell it, then it didn't exist. Then by association, the elaborate hallucination of Freddie coming and hugging her, rubbing her arms, and being angry didn't happen either. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to stop the imaginary burger from filling the room with the heavy scent of dead meat as it began to rot.

She left it there where she thought Freddie left it. She still wasn't all too clear on the rules of this whole insanity thing, but she knew for a fact that imaginary burgers didn't need refrigeration.

But after what she though was the third day and the burger still hadn't left, she had taken to pressing herself against the window on the other side of the her bed, curled up against the imaginary glass as Nora talked at her.

"You really should eat something." Nora said idly, running a hand through what was left of her hair ruefully.

"I'm not hungry." Sam answered. Nora might have been fucking crazy, but at least she listened.

"Where's Freddie?" Nora asked, turning hopefully towards the door, her eyes wide with excitement.

"I don't think he's coming today." Sam told her, watching with cynical glee as her face fell. Even if Freddie wasn't real, at least she didn't have to share him with Nora of all fucking people.

"You should be nicer to him." Nora said, picking at the perfect skin on her arms.

"He isn't real." Sam tried to reason. For some reason, Nora swore Freddie was real. Stupid bitch.

Nora sighed instead, looking back at Sam. "You're crazy." Nora stated matter-of-factly.

"You aren't real either." Sam countered. Arguments with Nora always ended like this and Nora seemed to know this. She nods at Sam with a tiny smile, leaning her head against the glass, mirroring Sam with her head tilted towards the fresh air so she didn't have to breathe in the putrid smell of the imaginary burger.

* * *

><p>end installment one.<p> 


	2. Installment two

Freddie didn't come back for a few days.

She thought she heard the door open a few times, thought she heard another voice, but she kept herself behind her imaginary bed and they went away, and it was her and Nora again. Nora was upset with her for cutting her hair, but that was okay, and as long as she stayed away from the window and mirror she didn't have to talk to her.

She almost missed the burger, but it had disappeared when she thought he was finally tired and she had sunken into the black fog that was always floating around in the back of her mind.

Different food took its place instead, food that smelled almost real and it made her stomach hurt and she knew that was real, the pain in her stomach keeping her awake in the first real pain she had felt in months. But she didn't trust it. If it was real then it would eventually rot, or so she thought. But she could never tell. The bowl of imaginary spaghetti had disappeared before she could figure out if it was real, and the sandwich was gone the instant before she was almost sure it wasn't real and she fell asleep in front of it, only to have it replaced when she woke up with a stack of pancakes that looked so real it freaked her out into running to Nora.

She had sat curled up in the sink with Nora until the room began to grow darker. She thought she heard the door open the she clung to Nora and Nora calmly shredded the scabs on her arms like she used to, like she wasn't even mad at Sam for cutting her long hair off.

When the room was fully dark except for the tiny light in the corner which never turned off, she finally left Nora and the imaginary sink covered in her real blood and went back to the room, the door closed and the soggy pancakes-

_Goddamn they even went soggy like real fucking pancakes_

-had vanished.

She had crawled up to the bed with Nora though, just for the company. She found a box of medicine that she had managed to hide from her hallucination Freddie. She took one, slipping the paper onto her tongue and slipping back into the fog, Nora's perfect arms surrounding hers, barely scabbing over from what she thought was days ago.

"You're arms look much better now." Nora said calmly, calmer then dams ever heard her.

Sam had to agree though. "they're real again."

Nora giggled, and Sam smiles.

* * *

><p>She had forgotten how wonderful her medicine was. The color was slowly seeping back into the world which was becoming slow and sleepy and do much easier to handle.<p>

Everything felt so real, and she could even get Nora to believe some of it was real.

Nora stopped though, and looked towards the door,where a new sandwich had appeared. "is that real?"

Sam hated her. "No, none of it is real."

"how do you know?" Nora asked idly, looking down at the sandwich. "it might be."

Sam knew where this was going. "I'm not hungry, and that sandwich isn't real."

"You need to eat something." Nora tried again.

"You're not real either." Sam snarled. She hated how real Nora seemed on her medicine though. If she didn't know better she would say she was.

"Come on. Just eat it." Nora said, smiling softly as she somehow got Sam to stand right next to her, the sandwich in her hand.

She rolled her Wes, about to yank what was left of her hair when the smell of the imaginary sandwich invaded her nostrils. It smelled so real.

She lost it then, taking a small bite, then another, then another until she had finished it all, and we turned to Nora to tell her maybe it was real when she saw Nora had left her side.

She heard her laugh. And the sinking feeling of what Sam had done finally hitting her and she swore the world stopped spinning for a second.

The sandwich wasn't real. And now she wasn't either.

She ran, she needed a shower. She needed to be real again. She passes Nora, ignoring her as she laughed cruelly and stripping off her clothes and turning on the water as high as it could go and falling to her knees at the drain.

She knew this, she could do it, and she shoved her hand down her throat, immediately burning as the sandwich came up, and up, and up as she finally got it all and she was real again.

She sat in the shower until the water ran cold, and only then she stood, not bothering with clothes that have long since ceased to be real and collapsed on her bed, so worn out she didn't even care if was really there or not.

* * *

><p>When Sam woke up the room was still dark. She heard a noise and reached for Nora, only to see she had left the window. She turned towards the mirror, only to find Freddie leaning on the doorway, looking so fucking real it made her ache.<p>

She waited for him to say something, to break the silence, hallucination Freddie always spoke first, she didn't speak so much anymore. Words aren't real.

But Freddie never speaks. Instead he slowly and purposefully up to the side of her bed and stares down at her.

He's close enough for her to touch, and she wants to. He looks almost real, almost as though, if she reached out-

The instant her fingers touch his shirt he moves, grabbing her face-

-his hands felt real

And pulling her up to him in a fierce kiss-

-she could feel his mouth on hers

She barely remembered to kiss him back, the thought of him being a hallucination gone as he pushed her down onto her back, his hands all over her and his knee pushed between her thighs and his mouth on hers, harsh and fierce and it felt so devastatingly real that Sam could barely keep up with it.

She didn't have time to move under him. He was everywhere, one hand at her breast and the other pulling her closer by her high, his hand climbing higher as he kissed her harder.

The room was still dark but she could still were everything he was doing as away, leaning instead to place hot, opened mouth kisses on her neck and chest and-

-her neck arched back, pushing her chest into his hand and-

His hand finally slipped between her legs, rubbing her once before plunging two fingers into her.

She moaned, a the first sound she had made in days and arched into him-

-he moved his hand faster, a strong thumb coming up to massage her clit as he continued to finger her roughly-

-her legs twitching around him as the pressure in her build more and more, until she was coming with a whine muffled by his hand.

When she finally opened her eyes he was still there, his eyes trained on hers as his face twisted into a smile, his hands guiding her to sit up.

She followed him, sitting do she faced him when he grabbed her head and slammed it into the headboard.

* * *

><p>end installment two<p> 


	3. Installment three

When she woke up, the room was bright again, she was alone, and still not wearing anything, sprawled across the floor near her bed, one foot still resting on the imaginary mattress and the most perplexing sensation creeping across the side of her head. It almost felt like pain. She didn't remember the last time she actually felt pain, it didn't even hurt when she let Nora take the skin off her arms anymore, it just was, and none of it was real anyways, so why was there any reason for pain. Pain was imaginary, she wasn't, and therefore her head didn't hurt.

Satisfied with her explanation she lifted herself off the floor, reaching underneath the mattress that she long ago convinced herself she could feel despite the fact it wasn't there for a sweater that belonged to someone she thinks used to be real and slipped it on, not caring that it wasn't really there.

She looks towards the window, looking for Nora, remembering how she left her last night when Freddie-

Freddie.

She remembered, Freddie had been here, feeling so devastatingly real that, she looked down at her hands, she could almost feel his skin against her own, feeling like it was almost actually there. He had looked so real, felt real, had handled her so roughly. She shivered, remembering the sensations he forced from her, real feelings that she hadn't felt since she had gone insane in the first place. She experimentally ran her hands down her body, but there was no evidence he had ever been there, no marks or anything to tell her someone else had been touching her.

Her eyebrows furrowed. Nora would know. She turned towards the window, looking for her companion only to see the window was empty. She was probably in the bathroom.

Sure enough, Nora grinned at Sam when she entered the bathroom, her shorn hair standing on end and a sweater the same color as Sam's wrapped around her bony shoulders.

"Morning." Nora greeted, her smile softening when she saw Sam's confused expression. Nora sighed, twisting one of the longer pieces of her hair around her finger. "What's wrong?"

"When did Freddie leave?" Sam asked, biting her lip nervously when Nora's eyes narrowed marginally. If Freddie really had been here and Nora hadn't been notified she would be in trouble. She would have to clear her own arms.

"Freddie?" Nora crooned almost sarcastically, seeming to revel in Sam's nerves, she mimicked her, biting her lip and widening her eyes at Sam before she snorted, a cruel bark of laughter escaping her and making Sam's heart rate pick up. Nora was never this mean with her, Nora was her friend, Nora was the only one who was real, why was she being like this.

"Freddie was never here Sam." Nora said softly, blinking almost sympathetically even as her mouth twisted into a sneer. "He hasn't been here in days."

Sam blinked, Nora's words sinking into her and winding two white hands with bitten fingernails around her windpipe, squeezing out her air and making Nora's features blur for a second. That wasn't right, Freddie was here, he had been here, they had, and he felt so real, nothing ever felt that real anymore, and her head almost hurt from where he had hit her-

"Oh, that?" Nora laughed, shoving her choppy bangs out of her face to show Sam a dark, ugly purple bruise on her forehead, beginning at her hair line and extending all the way to the corner of her eye. "That was me remember?"

Sam was confused, Nora usually made more sense then this, and she hadn't even voiced what she had been thinking, yet Nora had answered her unspoken question with startling accuracy. "What?"

Nora sighed, rolling her eyes at Sam, like she was a disobedient child she really didn't have time for and shook her head, a sad smile now playing on her lips. "I hit my head remember? Not you."

"But," Sam stared at Nora, her confusion eating her alive as she stared into Nora's impassive blue eyes, still slightly narrowed at her in distaste.

"Sam," Nora said, her voice dripping with forced patience, "Think about it, if you hit your head, why do I have the bruise?"

Sam had to admit she was right, it only made sense that way, but Freddie, and he had, and the feelings, and-

"But Freddie-"

"Freddie wasn't here!" Nora finally seemed to run out of fake patience and screamed at her loudly, making her jump as Nora pounded her fist against the mirror, her icy blue eyes flashing. "You're just crazy."

It didn't sit right with Sam. "But we…"

Nora rolled her eyes again and fixed her with an exasperated look, like she was already bored of the conversation. "But you what Sam?"

Sam couldn't think, couldn't breathe. Her heart pounded and she stared back at Nora as she watched her with raised eyebrows.

"We-"Sam tried to explain, but Nora was still starting to smile cruelly now, the slow smirk she saved for when Sam was being especially stupid curving her face and she tilted her head to the side as she watched her try to explain, mocking her silently.

"Oh, I see, you decided to slip that hand between your thighs and imagine that Freddie actually cared enough to come and see you in the middle of the night?" Nora laughed, throwing her head back and sending shivers down Sam's spine. "I mean, it's the only logical explanation, aren't you the one who's always going on about how he isn't real?"

"But I felt him-"

"You can always feel him! But he's still a hallucination! That's what you always tell me!" Nora was getting angry now, her face contorting and her cheeks growing pink. "You're just crazy."

Sam stared back into Nora's angry face, her head spinning like the earth had just tilted off it's axis. She couldn't be right, she just couldn't, Freddie had, and they-

Sam fled the bathroom, back to the empty room and staring at the bed. There was a splotch of what looked like dried blood on the corner near the headboard. She reached out to touch it, not even thinking that she might be imagining it, actually hoping she was just imagining it, her hand would just go right through it, through the bed, because they weren't real, nothing was-

Her hand hit the solidity of the mattress, her fingers sinking into the soft fabric and feeling the crustiness under her fingers, saw the blood flake off and stick to her hand.

It was real.

Sam stared at her hand, the room spinning faster now and Nora's screams louder in her head and no, it couldn't be, nothing was real, this wasn't real, it couldn't be, it just fucking couldn't be-

Sam didn't remember anything after that. Her eyes closed and she welcomed the real darkness that swept her up and she fell gratefully into it, letting herself meld with it and feel real for just a moment.

* * *

><p>When she opened her eyes again she thought she could feel something that reminded her of cold on her forehead, and the blurry image of someone hovering above her, the imaginary scent of cinnamon that always came with the Freddie hallucination. She blinked and Freddie came into focus, a stern expression on his face and his eyes tired.<p>

She jolted awake, inching away from him, the last memory she had coming back to her and something that felt like fear surging through her.

Freddie sighed, letting her curl away from him and dropping a white rag off the bed and she watched it disappear from reality as it fell out of sight. He watched her for a second before he spoke, his voice barely reaching her as her real blood pounded in her real ears.

"What did you do to yourself now?" He asked, his voice shaking like he was fighting to keep it impassive and she watched him not move, not try to touch her or anything. Maybe Nora was right, he wasn't here, it didn't happen-

But the blood.

Against her will her eyes landed on the dried blood still crusted on her fingers, and she nearly screamed when the rag appeared back into reality in Freddie's hand and she could almost feel it as he wiped the blood from her hand with it.

"Did you-" The words escaped her mouth before she could think to stop them. She bit down on her lip and his eyebrows shot up.

"Did I what Sam?"

Sam didn't know what to do now, the blood was real, the rag came back, Nora, she couldn't have been right. She just fucking couldn't have. Her medicine was wearing off, Freddie's color was fading and she could tell the room wasn't spinning now. She wanted another one, she made a half aborted attempt to find them under the pillow but stopped, remembering the Freddie hallucination didn't like her medicine.

Freddie had been watching though, and he caught the movement and his eyes narrowed. He reached under her pillow and pulled out the sheet of her medicine, staring at it for a beat before turning his stare onto her. The anger in his eyes was unmasked now, seeming to simmer off of him in waves and she could see the muscles in his imaginary jaw working furiously.

"Sam." He said softly, dangerously.

"Nora said-" Sam tried to explain, to tell him that she needed it, it made the world better, easier, it made things real, and Nora told her it would fix everything eventually, that Nora was always right because she didn't hit her head last night, she didn't-

"Fucking hell, I've had enough." Freddie said, his resolve finally breaking and he grabbed Sam's arm, hauling her up and she was shocked into silence, she could feel him holding her, he was actually able to move her off the bed, he could move her, he was solid.

She was too busy panicking to realize that Freddie had dragged her to the bathroom mirror, shoving her in front of it and she met Nora's delighted smile at the sight of Freddie. She waved, and Sam felt Freddie yank her arm harder. Nora watched them curiously, tilting her head and making her shorn hair flutter around her forehead and making the bruise visible around her face.

"Look Sam." Freddie demanded, pushing her face towards the mirror

_How can he do that_

And looking like he was fighting tears. "Look, please, for fucks sake Sam please."

Sam stared back at Nora, her face still tilted curiously and her eyes shifted from her to Freddie.

"Nora-" Sam started to ask Nora if she knew where he was going with this when Freddie yanked her back to look at him and she was so close he looked real from here and those tears looked real and she could feel his breath on her like it was real and no no no no no no-

"There is no Nora! Its you Sam! You cut off your own hair and you talk to your fucking reflection in the mirror by the bed and the mirror you punched in the room and in this fucking mirror! Its you! With that goddamn bruise on your head and your fucked up arms that I keep telling you to stop picking at and it's all you! It's always been you! Just fucking Crist Sam please look!"

Freddie spun her back to the mirror and her breath caught in her throat.

Nora was gone.

In her place was her, she hadn't seen herself in so long she forgotten what she looked like. Her long blonde hair had been unevenly shorn off, it stuck up on end on one side and there was a huge blue bruise on the side of her face. And there were tears sliding down her cheeks and her eyes weren't brown they were blue and she was too skinny and her nails were so goddamn short and no no no no no

Freddie pulled her away from her reflection and pulled her into him, her face colliding with his chest and it was real and she couldn't do this, she couldn't handle it.

"It's just you Sam. You're real, I'm real, and Nora isn't."

The room goes black way before she can hear him say that.

* * *

><p>end installment three<p> 


End file.
